Quafflepuff
by sarahthebird
Summary: Amazing! Luna Lovegood has bent the scary lady’s will and made a fifth house! But who is the Head of House, you ask? None other than our ‘beloved’, Roonild Wazlib! With his cheese, Sockamon and AA batteries, he shall rule Hogwarts! Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAMAIR

I do not own Ron, Harry, Hermione, Hagrid, McGonagall, or any of the familiar Harry Potter characters you see in this story. I do, however, own Quafflepuff, Sockamon, Milk Cow, Wade Bound, Sockster, Thestrilian, Stagman, Poser Hillbilly Tuck'n. Thank you!

"Gawsh dawgs! These here first years sure are gettin' smaller!" Hagrid hipped-hopped on seeing the first years.

The trembling first years got out of the boat… trembling. They looked around… trembling... and heard a voice from the top of the staircase saying, "First years… if you're even there, please walk, or crawl, up here so I can actually see you and brief you on what's going to happen."

The ickle firsties crawled up the stairs like the voice had said too because the steps were too tall.

"Please make a group at the top of the stairs." They gathered, panting from the long climb.

The voice was McGonagall, or, as some knew her, 'the scary lady.' McGonagall sighed. How she hated first years since _**HE**_ came here.

"Okay. There are five different houses you can be sorted into. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and—"She stopped when she saw someone's hand in the air. "Yes?" she questioned, trying to keep her cool calm.

"Umm…. My big brother told me that there were only four houses!" "Yes, well we got a new one!" McGonagall snapped, "Now will you just shut up?!"

"Yes mama. I mean ma'am! AGH! WHY DID I FORGOT THE APOSTRAPHE!?!?!?" he quickly added, seeing the distortion of McGonagall's face.

_ i Gonnie, think of your Zen lessons. Breathe in, out. In, out. In, out. In, out. In, out. In, out. In, out. In, out. In, out. In, o- /i _"WHAT!?!?!?" she responded after someone poked her shoulder. "Can we get on, please?"

"I suppose so…"

"Okay. You will be sorted into Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, or…………………………………………………. Quafflepuff." Whoa, Gonnie thought. I sure am going crazy if I'm repeating this stuff. She moaned and briskly led the children into the Great Hall where they stood up like good little people they weren't.

They all got to the Sorting Hat, where they sat and twiddled their thumbs, waiting for the hat to sing.

McGonagall coughed and briskly stood up, stating, "I am sorry to say that we have a new hat, and it's just not the same as the old one. It only serves the simplest of functions, and that would be blowing up the world, making cherry pies and sorting you. Thank you." There were a couple catcalls, some "Woops!" and a lot of "Pies! Devastation! Pies! Devastation!"

"All right then! I will call out your names and you will come sit down under the hat to be sorted, and then you will go** b immediately /b ** to your table." She glared at a couple of kids looking devious.

"Bound, Wade!"

A short, brown haired boy bounded up and sat down.

"Slytherin!"

There was a wave up cheers from the far left, and many groans from the right.

"Cow...err-Milk?" McGonagall hesitated.

As she said that, there was a loud outburst from the wave of kids.

"Why that kid's more white than a black cow's cud!" cried Poser Hillbilly Tuck'n.

Throughout the jeers and the Posers, Milk's face never changed color, and he continued to walk to the chair.

"Quafflepuff!"

Everyone looked around in bewilderment. "Quafflepuff? What the heck is a Quafflepuff? Is it some sort of cheese?"

Then out of nowhere, came an explosion from behind the teacher's desk. "Whooooooooo! Quafflepuff! We like cheese, and we don't wear shorts!"

It was Roonild Wazlib (Ronald Weasley) the first, and up to five second ago, only Quafflepuffian. "Whooooo! Go Milk, Cow!" He got up and started dancing.

"Quafflepuff!" A double A batteries squirrel "nched" in here.

"Quafflepuff!"

"Nch, nch, nch, nch, nch, nch!"

"QUAFFLEPUFF!!!!!!!! Wooooooh!" He suddenly got a cheerleader's outfit on and kicked his legs up in the air.

There was a wave of gasps and giggles, and Sinatra shouted, "Not in front of the kids, Wazlib... or me, for that matter!"

Gonnie shuddered and shook her head. How did this all happen, you ask? Well, it started on a night much unlike tonight...

** center b Flashback /center /b **

It was the night of Voldemort's death that occurred a week ago, at Hogwarts. Harry was in a corner, rocking back and forth, being very felt-sorry-for my his fan girls, Ron was making goatees and mustaches for his sock puppets friends and himself, and Hermione was reading a book called, "What to do When Your Friends Are Mentally Insane because They Just Defeated Mr. What's-His-Face", and taking copious notes.

Just when Hermione got to the chapter called, "Now about Those Sock Puppets..." a voice on the announcement-thing said, "Would the Sockster, Tooth Fairy, Thestrilian, and Stagman please bring the wink-wink to my office to discuss the Moldy Ship destruction."

A younger voice dreamily said, "Oh, I'm already here."

The first voice snapped back on with, "Oh, yes, whatever. Just come already."

The Gryffindor common room buzzed with laughter over the names. After a minute or two of sulking, the trio got Harry's invisibility cloak, and left to go to McGonagall's office.


	2. Flashback

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters. I do, however, own Quafflepuff.

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"...Ronald! Seriously, put the sock puppets up!" Hermione scolded Ron after he made the tallest one kill the shortest one.

"Suzie!" A black haired puppet ran and started hugging the dead puppet. "MWAHAHA! I am the ruler of all the Double Ms!" The black haired puppet started throwing what appeared to be cupcakes at the laughing puppet.

"...Ron? Ron? Are you okay! Harry, he's making puppets die and laugh and live! There's something wrong with him!" Hermione yelled frantically. "I can go get that book I was reading! Or, we can go see Professor Sprout!"

"Hermione, chill. He's always been like this. Now Ron," Harry put his hands on Ron's as if Ron were a child, "Go put those sock puppets up. You know how nice old Minerva doesn't like Sock Puppets..." Harry turned Ron in the direction of the dorms.

"Alright...... but I get a cookie!"

Now that they were sock puppet-less (or were they…?) they started off again. "I wonder why she wants Luna." Hermione pondered to herself.

Ron quickly responded, "Because Luna's the awesome goddess of the Man on the Topaz-Encrusted Cheese factories, so she can take over Wisconsin, and Minerva has to stop her!"

Harry and Hermione were silent the whole way, thinking about the poor Wisconsins. They finally arrived in Minerva's office where they saw a - no! It can't be! It's a-a-a GRAMMAR QUEEN WITH AN EASEL!

At the sight of their Professor with a grammar book in one hand and a easel stick in the other, Ron started laughing uncontrollably. Confused, and mildly disturbed, Harry and Hermione stared at the red-haired freak while Luna calmly explained, "He's probably just tickled at the fact that Minnie is wearing the latest fashion in Turkey."

Ron waved off that explanation with one hand while the other one held his stomach while he continued laughing.

Luna tried again. "He just got poked by a Begledyshien?" She got waved off again.

"He just remembered a really funny joke Hermione told?" Wave.

"His stomach was infected with a domilian worm?" Wave.

"HE'S JUST GOING INSANE?" Luna finally yelled. Everyone looked at her, shocked that she finally raised her voice over that dreamy whisper.

"Er- I mean- He saw Dumbledore and Minnie playing Strip Go Fish outside the Herbology classrooms and they made him swear not to ever tell anyone about it unless Minnie was caught with an easel stick in one hand and a grammar book in the other?"

Ron look astounded. "How on earth did you know? Did you see them too?"

Luna smiled and said matter-of-factly, "Of course not. I'm just really good at guessing. Plus, it's written all over your face."

While Ron searched his face for the truth, Minerva cleared her throat sternly. "As I was going to say before that….alarmingly unnecessary shockingly truthful truth that none of you can ever repeat…ever….we need to restore order here in Hogwarts, and the only way to do that is to—"

"—create a new house that will be founded by me, Ronald Weasley. I shall call it….Ronaldpuff. No…Weasleyclaw….I know! Quafflepuff!" The new founder posed dramatically.

"Of course not, you idiot!" _McGonagall glared at Ron._ "As I was saying…"

"Actually, Professor, you told me that if I ever saw you with an easel stick in one hand and a grammar book in the other and Lord Whosy-Whats-Its had been defeated, then I could found my own house and call it whatever I wanted." The red-head smiled. "SEE? I wrote it down in my diary!"

Sure enough, it was dated down. "October 24, 1992. Hermione spoke to me today. Tehe! I also didn't fail my Potions test! Tehehe! Last but not least, I saw Snape and _McGonagall playing STRIP TWISTER in the dungeons. She said that if I promised to never tell anyone unless I saw her with an easel stick in one hand, a grammar book in another, and Lord Whosy-Whats-Its had been defeated, then I could found my own house and call it whatever I wanted. Tehehehehe! Well I'm going to go to bed now. Night-night! LOVE, Roonild"_

_"Oh…." McGonagall cleared her throat awkwardly while everyone stared at her. "Well…I guess that's true then…."_

**Flashback over**

"Damn those poker nights."

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Kat: Spell check said that about half of these words weren't real. Dx


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